Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Black Humour

Songbird Estates signed a 30-year lease with Lehman Brothers for 1 million square feet of office space in London’s Canary Wharf five years ago. At the time, Songbird was smart enough to buy an insurance policy that would guarantee the lease for four years in case Lehman could not pay it. The insurer is AIG.


Aggressive short selling by speculators, a practice dreamt up by investment bankers, ultimately buried Lehman’s share price and lead to its bankruptcy announcement on Sunday. This outcome was clearly unexpected for the speculators still in the game, as it leaves them high and dry. One can only assume they were expecting the Fed to ride in and save the day. The whole thing appears to be a case where certain individual’s have so earnestly pursued greed that they have had the misfortune to overtake it.

On Sunday evening, in a last ditch attempt to save the bank, Lehman's was listed on ebay.

The listing was pulled following Lehman's bankruptcy announcement. Before it was pulled, however, I managed to copy some of the Q&A.

Q: What will you accept as collateral? I have Enron Class C paper and several reams of Washington Mutual letterhead.
A: now your talking --- Q. where is Enron paper traded?

Q: Can I demote the CEO to a janitor after I make this purchase?
A: we expect you will be working along side him.

Q: Does it come with that life sized inflatable punch bag of Alan Greenspan
A: Yes and if you act now we'll throw in an inflatable Bernanke and Paulson

Q: My office is across the hall from a Lehman branch. There is a cute blonde receptionist by the name of Halley that works there. Is she included in this sale?
A: This would be a separate transaction between you and Halley, however as the prestigious owner of an investment bank ... you have the wind at your back

Q: My mother says she'll send you a note promising to send you my allowance for the next three years- would this be acceptable payment?
A: please send info on your mother asap

Q: Will you toss AIG in with it as a bonus item? Will the Federal Reserve help with the auction fees?
A: AIG = All Is Good ... of course.. though we do not own them. Reserve no can do

Q: If I buy this and it all goes bad, will the Federal Reserve give me unlimited funds to make it all better? How much dummy spitting would I need to do?
A: not this time

Q: How about the toxic mortgage securities and all of the debt? Is that included?
A: duh

Q: Will I still be expected to pay executives large performance bonuses, or have they already taken all the money?
A: Yes to both questions

Q: Can I forcibly eject the current home owners?
A: the rats have already left the bldg.

Q: Has the State of Alaska made any offers on the item yet?
A: it has been earmarked

Q: Can you take Visa or do you prefer paypal?
A: priceless.

Q: I'm ready to bid, can I look at the books first? How many sets of books are there?
A: there is one set of books you snide buyer. However books are for losers

Q: If you end the auction early I will refinance my house and pull out my equity to pay you cash. Then I will just foreclose on my house so I don't have to pay anything for it.
A: Your application for COO is being currently considered

Q: Hello Lehman Brothers, I was wondering, I just received $25,000,000,000.00 of the U.S. Taxpayer's money via the FEDERAL Government to do an INDIRECT BAILOUT... Shsssh! Is this BAILOUT OFFER PRICE Acceptable, since I know the U.S. Greenback is becoming worthless to Americans and the World? Thanx, Ron Paul
A: Ron, We appreciate your offer, but this is only offered to idiots at the moment

Q: What a great deal if it includes the paperclips. When will you be listing Washington Mutual, and Wachovia?
A: actually we hope to offer the S&P 500 in 09

Q: 1) If I buy this with my eBay Mastercard and default on the payment, will the Fed bail out eBay? 2) I see I only get $200 of buyer protection from you. Can you recommend a bank that will provide an eBay default swap that will insure me if you don't deliver? Thanks
A: Fed's busy with other bailouts at the moment. We may only be worth $200 at this point

Q: I assume I can use my LEH stock as a down payment.
A: sure .. that's how we built this ship

Q: Can I pay in Canadian Tire Money? How about a post dated Zimbabwe Currency cheque?
A: We need to check with our accountants at Anderson about this

Q: Is transfer of staff included in this package? I only ask as I don't think I could justify paying incredibly inflated salaries.
A: sure you can ... we did it

Q: Can you please include a picture of the Lehman Brothers building I will be acquiring?
A: at this point we are not sure we own the building

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